Song Of Kriegtopia
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger's unusual offspring send him a video letter.


**I think I put the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters on You Tube or something. Even the Krieglins aren't technically mine. Check out Krieger's web page pictures and you'll see. But this idea is mine. Sort of. Actually ripped off of something else. You'll see when you hear…**

 **Song Of Kriegtopia **

"I don't even know why I bother coming into work these days," Mallory sighed as she poured herself a drink from the bar in the bullpen. "No clients, no Sterling…"

"Is it because your marriage is turning into one huge dead end?" Cheryl asked. Most of the of the Figgis Agency was lounging around goofing off.

"You're a **dead end** ," Mallory snapped before taking a sniff. "If only that was literal instead of figurative."

"Mallory, don't you think you've been drinking even more than usual lately?" Lana asked.

"It's not like I don't have plenty of **reasons** Lana," Mallory told her as she held her glass. "My son is in a coma. My latest business floundering. My marriage being strained. My money flying out the door. It just never ends!"

"Hey guys I got a video from Kriegtopia!" Krieger grinned as he walked into the bullpen.

"Reason to drink Number 367," Mallory groaned as she took a sip.

"Okay I'll give you **that** one," Lana sighed.

"So what have your odd offspring done this time?" Cyril asked Krieger with a sigh.

"They finally figured out what their national anthem is going to be and sent me a video of it," Krieger told them.

"Let me guess," Cyril sighed. "It's sung by Art Carney?"

"No, it's a completely original song," Krieger told him. "Oh and more good news. Aldorph got an honorary doctorate from one of Kriegtopia's universities. I think it was for creating the song or something."

"Well la de dah!" Mallory said sarcastically.

"Hey, considering they only just created universities less than a year ago, that's a big deal!" Krieger protested.

"Well you don't have to rub it in my face!" Mallory snapped.

"Phrasing," Ray quipped.

"On my…" Pam began.

"Will you **shut up?"** Mallory snapped. "God it's like Radio Idiot 24-7 around here. W-D-U-M, where stupidity never takes a holiday!"

"So what universes do they have?" Lana asked. Everyone looked at her. "I'm only asking because I have a feeling it will come up again sooner or later."

"And you have a sinking feeling AJ may have them as an option in the future," Cheryl added.

"Well you're not a hundred percent wrong," Lana admitted.

"Coming up on W-D-U-M," Mallory grumbled. "Education report with Lana Kane."

"Actually, college is free as long as you have good grades and complete enough hours for community service projects," Krieger told them. "In addition to an extensive testing and counseling period where prospective students learn their strengths and study their true interests for what they want to do in life."

"What you're saying is that Kriegtopia basically has better teachers and guidance counselors than we do?" Lana asked.

"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "They have a hundred percent graduation rate."

"Look out Finland," Mallory quipped. "Kriegtopia is coming after you."

"A hundred percent graduation rate seems pretty high though," Cyril remarked. "What happens to the lowest ranking students?"

Mallory added. "Do they get courses they can pass so they can get any job that asks if you want fries with your order?"

"No," Krieger corrected. "The lowest ranked students go to build robots that work at fast food places."

Pam blinked. "The human race is gonna get its collective ass smoked isn't it?"

"Relax," Krieger waved. "We've got at least fifty to seventy years before they solve both world hunger and clean energy problems. They want to solve those before they even start thinking of world domination."

"Fifty to seventy years huh?" Mallory sighed.

"It would be a lot sooner but my kids are really addicted to cable TV," Krieger admitted. "They even make puppet shows based on their favorite fanfictions."

Mallory rolled her eyes. "So there is an upside to Hollywood turning the collective brains of the world into mush? Who knew?"

"I set it up to the monitor," Krieger turned it on. "It's really neat!"

"And we're watching it **why** again?" Mallory asked.

"Killing time, I guess," Ray shrugged.

"Besides," Krieger said. "Lana makes a big deal every time her child does something! Why can't I?"

"That's true," Cyril shrugged.

"That does sound fair," Ray admitted at the same time.

"Can't argue with that," Pam said at the same time.

"He does have a point," Mallory admitted.

"Ugh, toddlers…" Cheryl groaned.

"What?" Lana was stunned.

"No offense Lana but AJ is kind of boring," Krieger told her.

"Boring?! She's two!" Lana protested.

" _Still?"_ Cheryl groaned.

"Big deal," Krieger waved. "My kids aren't even seven yet and they already created an advanced civilization!"

"Oh yeah no contest there," Ray admitted.

"RAY!" Lana snapped. "How can you **say** that?"

Cheryl told her. "Because he like the rest of us are getting a little tired of you making a big deal every time your stupid kid does something. And it's not even something interesting. It's like staying down for naptime. Or eating her vegetables. You are literally praising her for eating and sleeping. Not exactly a thrill a minute here."

"Honestly Lana," Ray shrugged. "A group of mutated Krieger clones creating an entire civilization does sound a lot more important than AJ learning how to count to two."

"It's ten!" Lana snapped. "In French!"

"Oh **that** will be a useful skill for her in LA," Mallory grumbled.

"It will be if she ever becomes a waitress in a French restaurant," Cyril pointed out.

"Or maybe a **chef** at a French restaurant?" Lana said indignantly. "Or **own** a French restaurant?"

"Seriously?" Cheryl laughed.

"No offense Lana," Mallory sighed. "With Sterling as her father it's more likely she'll become a waitress."

"Not necessarily," Ray spoke up. "She could end up a sommelier!"

"Somehow, I can't picture anyone with Archer's DNA voluntarily spitting out wine," Cyril said. "Or any alcohol at all."

"I never did understand that myself," Mallory admitted. "I mean the wine is in your mouth already. Why waste it?"

"Just play the stupid video Krieger," Lana grumbled as she folded her arms.

The video started to play. It was Aldorph and several Krieglins dancing around waving colorful flags. _"Dance along with the Krieglins here! Krieglins there!"_ Aldorph sang. _"Krieglins live in the sewers everywhere! Tra, la, la, la, la la!"_

"I have to say it," Ray said. "This is a little too gay even for me."

"What she said," Mallory shrugged as he took a drink.

 _We are inseparable always close together! We are irreparable when we are apart!_

"I know this song," Pam blinked. "I've heard this song before."

"Yeah so have I," Ray blinked.

"Me too," Cyril said. "I have **definitely** heard this melody before. Where have I heard it before?"

 _Kriegtopia! We hold you dear in our hearts!_

 _Holtera! Shine through the day and night!_

 _Kriegtopia! We stand like a burning flame!_

 _Holding hands, holding hands we're glad you came along!_

 _Oh dance with us! We're singing the dancing song!_

 _Join with us, so nothing can never go wrong!_

 _Kriegtopia! We dance through the burning flames!_

 _Kriegtopians! Kriegtopians! We're here as one today!_

"Oh, my god!" Cyril realized. "This is a rip off of the Bic And Bac song!"

"The what and **what?** " Mallory asked.

"It **is** the Bic and Bac song!" Ray shouted. "They just substituted Kriegtopia for Arcadia!"

"I told you they were really into TV," Krieger shrugged as he paused the video.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Lana asked.

"This is a song they ripped off and stole from Spartacus!" Ray told her.

"I don't remember Kirk Douglas doing a musical number," Cheryl blinked.

"No! Not **that** Spartacus!" Cyril told her. "Spartacus and the Sun Beneath the Sea. It was a cartoon on Nickelodeon. You know? When Nickelodeon was **good.** "

"I dunno," Pam said. "I kind of like the Avatar series. Those cartoons were cool."

"James Cameron did a cartoon about Pandora?" Lana asked.

"Not **that** Avatar!" Pam snapped. "Avatar the Last Airbender and Avatar Legend of Korra."

"Do you people just make up words to drive me crazy?" Mallory snapped. "Because honestly it's working."

"They're talking about a cartoon called Spartacus and the Sun Beneath the Sea," Pam told her. "That's where the Krieglins got their anthem from."

"It's a French cartoon translated into English that was put on the Nickelodeon network," Cyril explained.

"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory asked. "A race of mutants descended from a **German** Nazi clone stole a song from a **French** cartoon?"

"That's pretty much what happened yeah," Krieger admitted.

"You Germans really can't keep your hands off of **anything** French, can you?" Mallory snapped. "Land, wine, women…"

"The World Cup," Ray added.

"Exactly!" Mallory snapped. "Oh God! This is how I'm **spending my life**? I used to be one of the world's greatest spies!"

"How does she always make things about **her?"** Lana asked.

"It explains how Archer always makes things about **him,** " Cyril shrugged.

"I used to go places," Mallory wailed. "Miami, Havana, New York, London, Paris…I attended all the best parties and social soirees. And now…Now I am spending my days listening to idiots talk about **cartoons!** AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I DRINK?"

"Wonder, no," Cheryl remarked. "Amazed you're not dead of liver failure, yes."

"I am getting out of here and living my life before I end all of yours!" Mallory stormed out of the room.

"The bars aren't open yet," Ray called out.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.

"Guys I'm really getting worried about her drinking," Lana said.

"I'm really getting worried about a lack of money coming into this agency," Cyril said.

"How bad is it?" Cheryl asked.

"Honestly moving to Kriegtopia is looking pretty good right about now," Cyril grumbled.

"How's the real estate scene looking down there?" Pam asked.

"Ehhh," Krieger shrugged.


End file.
